Not today, not today

Some days… it’s not so hard to forget you…
some days… it’s too easy to forgive myself…

Today, i failed.

AGAIN.

Things I Cannot Answer

At one point it was perfect. At one point i felt free. Those moments were completely empty, but underneath the void wings were fluttering freely… At one point it was lonely. At one point there was pain. Those moments i despised i now desperately want to hold again…

You’re perfect. Simply lovely.

But the binded heart wants some room to breath, and it is in need of a portal of escape (at times). i want to say… i will be there, but words of empty promises refuse to come into existence. i want to be everything that you have been to me. But if … i have to ask myself these questions. If i have to stop myself in the middle of the road – simply because i need time to ponder before continuing – then maybe, just maybe, i need to turn away (and return home, wherever that may have been in the past).

Is it right? (if i have to think about it so much?)

Is is wrong? (if sometimes i’m filled with doubt?)

i can hear your voice now, asking me, “how can you do this to me…?

Remember What It Means to Smile

I was sitting there with my mother on the couch, and out of of nowhere she started telling me to feel free to call her when I’m at school if something happens and I need someone to talk to. She tells me to stop keeping things to myself…

I remember when I was in elementary school, everytime something bad happens all i needed to do was hug her for a while and i was once again reassured that it’ll be okay in the end. Thinking back on it now, I realized it was simple back then because my fears were all physical in some aspect. 

But mother, it’s different now. How can I cast a shadow over your wrinkled, sad eyes the same way you’ve casted a shadow over mine? You’ve never had to deal with my problems, and I think on some level you are aware of how serious those problems are … but I don’t want to be the one to confirm your fears. I rather you see me as you’ve always seen me, calm and resilient. I’m so used to handling things on my own, and when I tell someone something, I’m not asking for advice, I simply need someone to rant to…

The fact that I don’t want to burden you is only an excuse to hide the real reason for which I keep my issues far away from your reach – I’m afraid of being told (once again) that my dreams are foolish and useless, that happiness depends on a comfortable life with manageable finances and not on a smile alone.

I had so much faith that happiness was more than money. You’ve taught me that… but I think over the years, you’ve come to confuse happiness with security and safety.

I think your happiest years were when you were free and fighting against the communist government. I wish you can see that again. I wish you can remember the risks you took back then. We weren’t well off, but we remembered what it meant to smile.

An Ocean Of Wind

I miss watching the clouds.

And how they drift in the air … making patches and rifts in a seamlessly blue ocean of wind.

And I hate how I’ve attained the habit of making my “I’s” capitalized.

iBelieve

love the wind but I hate the sounds
everything that’s right seems wrong …
but even when i’m standing in the dark
(your words are emptystill believe

Freedom In My Cage

i hate you. and how you penetrate into every aspect of my life. and take away everything i treasure…

because my obligations are to shelter and to take care of you, regardless of the sacrifices.

(lame)

you get to see the world at your own free will…

i have to limit myself to what is best for you, not what’s best for me.

and even then… you don’t see how lucky you have it.

i’m trapped. and you’re free. as hard as that is to imagine.