Follow Your Heart

“Over her cradle loomed a large portrait of her brother, painted in oils; every time she opened her eyes, it served to remind her that she was just a replacement , a washed-out copy of someone better. Do you understand? (Tamaro)

Sometimes I feel like that. I try to not think that way… but i can’t help but think its true. Sometimes i try so very hard to live up to the child you’ve lost, but it doesnt work that way… because to you, that child is at the pivotal of all things. That child surpasses everyone even if you never saw her live out the rest of her life. So.. in the end.. what am i to you really?

I was just sitting here the other day… and suddenly i thought of Vi. For a long while now i’ve avoided thinking of her and how is she holding on… how is her father holding on. It’s been.. i forget how long… she must be about 8 yrs old now? 8 or 9… no i think she turned nine recently.. on Halloween. I’m surprised i didn’t think of her then. Maybe i can actually avoid thinking about these things. When they separated us, she was between the age of 1 and 2… she was still happy. I was happy… because she was happy. I suppose that’s how it works (my sense of happiness that is)…  to see the people i love live a carefree and painless life… but the world is never that easy.. life is never that kind. But i wished things could be different for her… i really wished things could have been different for her… i miss my Vi. I love my Vi…

“[…] Life went on, and so did its demands. Life was you. When you arrived you were small, defenseless. You invaded this sad, silent house with your sudden laughter and your tears. I remember watching your big baby head swaying between the table and the sofa thinking, Well, it’s not all over yet […but then things happen] Everything is ordered and regulated from on high, everything that happens to you happens for a reason. I’ve always greatly envied people who embrace this vision of the universe without hesitating-for them the choice is easy” (Tamaro)

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